Metropolitan Community Church
Guerneville, California
Article published in the Forestville Gazette, July 2004
On Exile
She was 13 years old. She was sitting across from me at the end of the hallway on the locked adolescent psychiatric ward of the hospital where I used to work. She had a restraining order against her own mother. The mother had so severely beaten this child that she was no longer allowed to come near her. The daughter had been in six group homes within six months, and was taken from all of them. She finally ended up in the ER, wanting to be checked out after a 'run in' with some guys. She was surprised that the people in the ER did not want to give her money to go back to San Francisco . Instead, the ER sent her over to the psychiatric unit where I was working as a psychologist, so that I could have 'an adult' conversation with her.
We talked about how she had taken care of herself out on the street, and the options of where she could go: group home, foster care. Slowly it begins to dawn on her that we are not planning to just let her go. When I gave her those two options, and asked her what she wanted to do, this 13 year old (going on 25) suddenly became extremely young. It was almost as if years peeled away, and within moments a 25 year old became a two year old toddler. As the tears started streaming down her face she looks at me and says: "I just want to go home".
At that point, we both became quiet; letting the silence of the moments and all of the moments in her history, penetrate the stillness of the room. We both sat there, knowing that for her - there was no place left that she could call home.
A 13 year old living in exile; in exile from the place where she grew up, in exile from her family - the only family she'd known, and in her attempts to survive on the street, in exile from parts of her own being. There are many kinds of exile. I can remember thinking that regardless of the kinds of exile, we, as a community of people, have the work of creating 'homes' - spaces of belonging, to provide entrance for those who are exiled.
We have historical markers of examples of exile. One of the ways empires in ancient times managed to control other nations was by taking the leadership of the invaded nation and transporting them to another country. Exiling people has been a powerful tool in the hands of oppressors throughout the ages. The Babylonian Empire invaded the Southern Kingdom in 586 BCE and destroyed Jerusalem , the site of the temple. Many of the Jewish leaders were taken into exile and deported to Babylon .
The history and making of America has its roots in the deportation and importation of people. Native Americans were driven from their land by immigrants from Europe and Russia and over time exiled to smaller areas of land, the reservations. The Dutch, the British, and other European countries deported a horrific number of African people and imported them to America .
What was the result? The result was the disabling of a homeless nation and people to reorganize, for exile is not just geographic - but social, moral and cultural. In 586 BCE, those Jews who were deported lost connection to their land, their place within the larger community and to their places of worship. Such exile in essence means 'there is no going home, there is no going back - no going back to whom you knew yourself to be or to the life that once held meaning for you'.
Some of us have experienced exile over homosexuality, when societies,
churches, communities and families did not tolerate who we are we are. Others experience exile, due to economic differences, when we are eliminated from sharing in what others consider the commonalities of life. And yet, others of us, due to our differing abilities are not 'invited to the table' so to speak, where a way has not be made for us to exist as others do.
When "this is who I am" is met with "than you no longer belong" we either recant or diminish who we are and go into exile of our own being; stay where we are but become more invisible and outside of the web of true belonging, or we face a reality - grieve what never was, is not now and what may never be in the future.
But I'm reminded of a simple admonition written many years ago: Build homes, plant gardens, create families, raise children and work for the welfare of the city". We must as a community or 'community of communities' continue to work to unite and connect each other. Community, defined as: "a group of people who are on a journey together with the intention and commitment to love themselves and each other" must build figurative homes and gardens to unite; to eliminate societal exile.
This coming home also means finding a place of belonging. Belonging literally means the longing of our being or the longing to be . Belonging happens when we feel that somebody or a community of bodies is willing to witness and affirm our "being". Where you are understood, when you are understood, you are at home.
At a community building retreat, we learned that building community involves:
- asking people's names.
- requesting and listening to one another's stories.
- asking and knowing the needs/wishes of others (how often does it happen that someone comes up to you and asks what you are longing for?).
- witnessing, listening with open heart and with the intention to look for the good.
- experiencing our own solitude, and the good that sits within us.
I believe that there is a connection between that feeling of belonging, and the possibility of experiencing greater things in life than one can imagine. When we build places of belonging, from our own sense of security, we open paths for discovery. What better way to improve the future of our world, than to open spaces within each other to feel that we have a right to be and to make a contribution.
It is when we reach out to the neighbors we have yet to know, to individuals different from ourselves in age, color, orientation or ability, that we can build 'home' and find home. This kind of community is a place where even a lost 13 year old, can say "I just want to go home" and find one.
Rev. Elisabeth Middelberg
Metropolitan Community Church of the Redwood Empire